It was late. My daughter was very excited because she was getting to have a sleepover with Mom. However, she was overtired and her brain was not allowing her to calm down. My wife was also exhausted and really needed both of them to be able to get to sleep. My daughter knew she needed to relax so she could go to sleep, but she just kept getting more and more upset the more she tried to calm down.

My daughter, now 7, has had many nights in the last couple of years like this. She does not enjoy night time and does not enjoy being alone. Since my son and her stopped sharing a room she has had a lot more difficulty falling asleep at night and this night was threatening to potentially end with a full-blown panic attack.

I was taking advantage of some alone time and trying to watch one of my favorite Avengers Movies. But, I was continuing to hear my daughter struggle and knew my wife and she both really needed to get to sleep. I had some initial feelings of frustration and a lack of patience…I really just wanted to keep watching my movie and relaxing. But, something pulled at me to go in and attempt to support my wife and daughter.

I came in and did my best to shove aside any annoyed or frustrated feelings that I knew would not be helpful in this situation. I sat down and tried to calm and soothe my daughter. And in the moment…it came to me…an idea that just might work. I did my best to validate her feelings and let her know that it was Ok that she was upset and having a tough time. I reiterated though that she needed to get some sleep so that both her and Mom could get some rest and feel better. I could sense she was starting to spiral more and more because she knew what she needed to do, but just couldn’t find a way to do it.

But, this idea…spur of the moment…came to me and it turned out to be brilliant and beautiful (sorry if this sounds like bragging, but I really was impressed by it and so happy it worked). I told my daughter that there have been a lot of times in the last few years when I’ve been dealing with my struggles (chronicled here and throughout my blog) and having a hard time in my mind as well. Often, I’d be still spinning in my head and struggling when I would come in to tuck my daughter in and say good night. And just as often, my daughter, like she could read my thoughts and feelings, would place her hand on my forehead as she would say good night. She would just calmly and lovingly place her hand on my head and let me know she loved me and without saying it…everything was alright. I cherished those unsolicited reassurances from my beautiful, young daughter and relayed to her in this moment how often she would help me feel better. Then, I slowly and calmly put my hand on her forehead and held it there, hoping to help reassure her as she had reassured me so many times.

My daughter melted. She smiled. Her whole body calmed and I could tell I had said something that deeply touched and reassured her. She closed her eyes, told me she loved me and tried to let her body relax and rest. I held my hand there on her forehead for a while longer and then left when I was quite sure she was close to asleep. She quietly said good night and my wife breathed a grateful thank you as I walked out of the room. They both soon fell asleep.

In the moments after and since I’ve thought about this moment and how it touches on something that I believe is so important for us Dads to remember: we need to be a space where our kids can feel comforted and safe, and while I firmly believe we can and should do this for our sons as well, this is especially important for our daughters. Our little girls need to know that they can trust us with all of their feelings. That we won’t dismiss them. That they aren’t “dramatic” or “too emotional” or “difficult” because they feel them. They need to know that it’s Ok if they don’t always feel Ok…and that we can be a safe space for them to share that and to find comfort. They need to know that they can rely on us when everything else around them is crumbling. They need to know that we believe in them…we love them…and that we know that they will find a way to work through or overcome any struggle that comes their way…and that they don’t have to do it alone.

I have not always reacted well when my daughter has had these difficult moments and feelings. But, I know that a lot of the time I have responded with care, with caution, and with love even when I’m feeling overwhelmed by her feeling overwhelmed. I have done this enough that in this particular moment she knew and trusted that I was there for her and I would be there for her no matter what. She felt safe…she felt like she was not alone…she felt empowered…and knowing that she was finally able to sleep. And I was inspired to write this to all of you Dads trying to be the best Dad to your daughters and kids. Dad…keep working at it and do whatever you can do to be that safe space.

This is fatherhood…