Three

Each year as the leaves start to change color and fall in preparation of the cold winter ahead I am struck by their beauty. Suddenly I’m living in a world full of colors that weren’t there before – welcoming in the cool Autumn breeze as the seasons change once more. October has always been my favorite month, and now it holds this dramatic mix of beauty and sorrow. You should be three now – each Fall reminds me of your birthday and leads me to wondering about how different my life would be if you were here. If I’d been able to hold you in my arms, instead of losing you red like the falling leaves.

Your loss has brought me so much pain and so much joy. It has taught me to be more aware of those suffering around me. To be more sensitive to the hidden losses that women walk around with daily while being expected to go on with their lives like normal. Your loss has taught me to value and acknowledge the losses that so many others face in ways I would not be able to had I not experienced it myself. Yet still, I miss you.

I miss knowing who you would have been. And still – your life had a purpose. I’m still trying to figure it all out – yet I know I never will. Your loss has left forever scars on my heart – yet somehow has also brought a type of joy unspeakable. Your loss was undeserved and utterly blessed at the same time. And it continues to teach me to live in the reality of both worlds. Suffering & Joy. Loss & Gain. Fear & Hope. All of these emotions exist side by side, and each should be acknowledged and allowed. Each valued, and each worthy of expression. Thank you for teaching me this, and my I never cease to keep learning from you.

Happy 3rd Birthday &.